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Records Reveal Heaven Outsourced Infestation Job to Bed Bugs

Even Heaven is on a budget.  Wrought-iron pearly gates have been replaced by baby safety fences.  The walls of precious gems have been substituted with hip hop iced out jewelry. And swarms of locusts have been reduced to by-stander status as Heaven administration officials have secretly outsourced infestations to the much cheaper bed bugs.
According to Heaven’s Internal Revenue Entity, the Kingdom of God has seen a sharp decline in church tithing in recent years and the highly anticipated grand opening of Holywood has failed to generate much interest. Annual passes for the new attraction have already been slashed by 75-percent.
Heaven, however, remained in a state of calm until God summonsed His top financial advisers earlier this summer to discuss plans to unleash a swarm of locusts as a way of admonishing the world for tolerating the homosexual lifestyle.
Coincidentally, the locusts were engaged in heated contract negotiations with the Plague and Infestations Council. Both sides said talks were stalled over issues like mileage reimbursement, vacation time, higher pay and to make the death of locusts by chickens and ducks a hate crime.
Heaven officials were frustrated by the stalled talks and began to look for alternative plaguing sources.
“Of course locusts was our first choice,” said one heaven official. “But they weren’t being reasonable and after crunching the numbers it was decided that the best course of action was to look for a cheaper way to bring about a plague.”
Rats, flees and chipmunks were said to be early contenders but all were rejected by God for being “rather cliched.”
Bed bugs, officials said, were selected as the homosexual warning due to their ability to travel well, the difficulty to eradicate them and they can go long periods of time without feeding.
Another added bonus is their ability to hide well from the human eye, mocking in someways the closeted lifestyle of many homosexuals.
“After careful scrutiny, God decided that bed bugs were the proper messengers,” the messenger said. “And they don’t break the budget. The whole situation is made of win.”
Mahogany Flat, a bed bug representative, said the bugs were looking forward to working on such a special mission and they felt honored to have been chosen.
“We take this very seriously,” Flat said. “Our reputation is on the line and we don’t plan on letting the boss down.”
For their part, the locusts are said to be angry and felt betrayed by the outsourcing.
“We’re in the freaking Bible for crying out loud,” said one locust. “When you think plague you think locust. Bed bugs may work cheaper but we have a legacy–a plagacy, if you will.”
Attorney’s for the locusts refused to answer questions but issued a simple statement saying they were reviewing their next course of action.


Temp Church Agency Sued Over Lack of Prophets

Looking for a new way to rev up his slumping congregation, Reverend Tom Padre answered the incessant ring of a robocaller that promised to deliver every Satanist’s worst fear–the Holy Spirit, raging like an uncontrollable crown fire.
“It’s like it was a sign from God,” Padre said. “Our congregation has been struggling for years to find its identity and we really had faith in this agency. I’m disappointed that things haven’t worked out like they were promised to us.”
The robocall was from Faith Finders, a temporary church agency that sends “enthusiastic Christians” into flat-lining churches and promises to transfuse their “abundant Holy Spirit into the church.”
But, according to Padre, the agency failed to deliver on this promise. “We’re as much of a dead-beat church as when we first hooked up with Faith Finders,” he said. “The temporary Christian barely got a spark going. We had so much expectations and now we’re just left with a collection plate full of disappointment.”
Padre said for an apology he was willing to let bygones be bygones, but no such apology was forthcoming and he was left with no choice but to sue the agency for fraud.
“We expected someone like Isiah or Jeremiah,” Padre said. “We were definitely misled.”
An attorney for the agency said that they didn’t misrepresent themselves.
“Sometimes it takes a while for miracles to be seen,” the attorney said. “God works on his timetable, not ours.”
Padre declined to say how much the church paid the temp agency but said he would not recommend the agency to other churches.
“We may be forced to go back to basics,” Padre said. “This is definitely a humbling experience.”
The agency, known for its Holy Spirit Seal of Approval, says clients are given a 30-day satisfaction or your prayer request back guarantee.