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Facebook Replaces Traditional Voting Systems in Five States

In an effort to save money, five cash-strapped states have temporarily shut down all their voting precincts, opting instead to allow voters to decide elections through Facebook.
Between now and election day in November, voters in California, Florida, Illinois, Michigan and New York simply have to roll out of bed and click the Like button for their favorite candidate. The concept, officials say, is quite simple–the candidate with the most likes wins the election. Not that different from the current system, they say.
“In this tough economic environment we have to be creative if we want to survive,” said Debra Bowen, California’s Secretary of State. “Whenever you’re on a budget you have to trim the fat–get rid of whatever is absolutely not necessary. With phenomenon like Facebook, things like polling places are becoming obsolete.”
While no exact dollar amount has been addressed, officials in all five deadbeat states assure voters that the cost-cutting measures are necessary and will eventually yield high benefits.
“It’s unusual,” admits Jesse White, Illinois’ Secretary of State. “But when you rarely get more than 15 percent of the electorate inside a polling place during a mid-term election, you can’t act all surprised when the state decides to stop hosting the Voting Party.”
Officials in other states are taking a wait-and-see approach before deciding to ax the whole electoral system.
Candidates in the five states said they were surprised by the decision to close polling places and it has left many of them scrambling to open Facebook accounts.
Rich Whitney, Green party candidate running for Governor of Illinois, said he started a Facebook page weeks before any final decision was made.
“We heard rumors of what was being planned,” Whitney said. “I don’t think many of us are use to campaigning like this but sometimes you have to think outside the box.”
And how will he judge the success of the plan?
“For me, success will be if my status says winner on November 2,” he said.
For some, the notion of election through Facebook seems like the ultimate in finance campaign reform. With candidates spending more time trying to woo their Faceful base, some fear that will leave less time, money and need for lobbyists and TV ads.
“This isn’t a good idea,” said one anonymous campaign adviser, who vowed to start a Facebook page against the Facebook election. “How are we suppose to feed our families? Shouldn’t somebody been looking out for us?”
Voters, for their part, seem nonplussed by the change.
“I probably won’t vote anyway,” said Deborah Wessex. “I don’t like politicians so I really can’t force myself to click the like button.”
Jake Miller says he’s out of work now because of the precinct closures.
“I’ve been a pollster for over thirty years,” said Miller, 64, “and now I gotta tell my grand kids about the good ol’ days when there use to be voting precincts. It makes me sad and I’m gonna miss the few extra bucks I would’ve made waiting for people not to show.”
And what would he say on the Facebook Election page?
“I’d tell them the idea sucks,” he said. “That I don’t like it. But I can’t ’cause they don’t have a button for that.”


With Driver’s Ed Course Republicans Hope to Avoid Slippery Slope

Characterized in recent months as The Slurpee Sippers who idly watched as the economy slid down the proverbial ditch, Republican leaders have decided to fight back through education. Driver’s Education, that is.
Seven high ranking Republican leaders, including House Minority Whip, John Boehner, and Lamar Smith, from Texas, have started taking driver’s ed classes in Washington, in an attempt to steer undecided voters in their direction, while simultaneously convincing the rest of the country that the roads are safe with them on it.
“It’s not a publicity stunt,” Boehner insists. “It’s a concrete way of showing the voters just how seriously we take their safety. If you’re accused of not having a good record, then common sense would suggest doing something about it.”
In recent months, the republican party’s metaphorical driving record has come under intense scrutiny from President Obama, who has branded the republicans as the party that drove the nation’s economy into the now famous nameless ditch.
“Now they [the republicans] want the keys back,” Obama warned at various rallies and fundraisers.
Smith says the decision to re-take driver’s ed was not a reaction to the president’s criticism.
“Until recently I hadn’t heard about the analogy,” says Smith, who also denied ever consuming a Slurpee. “This is the republican party saying to the voters that we’re willing to do better and if that means re-learning some things, well then, so be it.”
Boehner, Smith and other party members have been seen throughout the D.C. area with a licensed driving instructor and have tackled such issues such as road safety, dealing with technology while driving, parallel parking, braking and turning, controlled backing and evasive maneuvering.
Both Boehner and Smith said they hope more republicans will, as a sign of solidarity, follow suit.
“There’s plenty of room in our car,” said Boehner. “Providing you’re able to provide the right kind of documentation.”
And how is this resonating with voters?
Jim Beecher, a hot dog vendor in downtown Washington, said he was mildly impressed with the overture but was confused with the republicans ineptness while in power.
“Obama’s telling them to keep away ’cause he’s got the key,” Beecher said. “But you’re gonna tell me in all that time they [the republicans] were in power that they didn’t have duplicate keys made? I mean, seriously, tell me, who goes around with only one set of keys? Somebody who’s not terribly worried about their car, that’s who.”
Lavonda Harris, a part-time sales associate, said the republicans were on the right road but more needs to be done.
“I look at it this way,” Harris said, “They’re trying and I gotta give them credit for that. But at the end of the day, after working non-stop, they’re not gonna be my ride home.”