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Archive for the ‘Economy’ Category

Records Reveal Heaven Outsourced Infestation Job to Bed Bugs

Even Heaven is on a budget.  Wrought-iron pearly gates have been replaced by baby safety fences.  The walls of precious gems have been substituted with hip hop iced out jewelry. And swarms of locusts have been reduced to by-stander status as Heaven administration officials have secretly outsourced infestations to the much cheaper bed bugs.
According to Heaven’s Internal Revenue Entity, the Kingdom of God has seen a sharp decline in church tithing in recent years and the highly anticipated grand opening of Holywood has failed to generate much interest. Annual passes for the new attraction have already been slashed by 75-percent.
Heaven, however, remained in a state of calm until God summonsed His top financial advisers earlier this summer to discuss plans to unleash a swarm of locusts as a way of admonishing the world for tolerating the homosexual lifestyle.
Coincidentally, the locusts were engaged in heated contract negotiations with the Plague and Infestations Council. Both sides said talks were stalled over issues like mileage reimbursement, vacation time, higher pay and to make the death of locusts by chickens and ducks a hate crime.
Heaven officials were frustrated by the stalled talks and began to look for alternative plaguing sources.
“Of course locusts was our first choice,” said one heaven official. “But they weren’t being reasonable and after crunching the numbers it was decided that the best course of action was to look for a cheaper way to bring about a plague.”
Rats, flees and chipmunks were said to be early contenders but all were rejected by God for being “rather cliched.”
Bed bugs, officials said, were selected as the homosexual warning due to their ability to travel well, the difficulty to eradicate them and they can go long periods of time without feeding.
Another added bonus is their ability to hide well from the human eye, mocking in someways the closeted lifestyle of many homosexuals.
“After careful scrutiny, God decided that bed bugs were the proper messengers,” the messenger said. “And they don’t break the budget. The whole situation is made of win.”
Mahogany Flat, a bed bug representative, said the bugs were looking forward to working on such a special mission and they felt honored to have been chosen.
“We take this very seriously,” Flat said. “Our reputation is on the line and we don’t plan on letting the boss down.”
For their part, the locusts are said to be angry and felt betrayed by the outsourcing.
“We’re in the freaking Bible for crying out loud,” said one locust. “When you think plague you think locust. Bed bugs may work cheaper but we have a legacy–a plagacy, if you will.”
Attorney’s for the locusts refused to answer questions but issued a simple statement saying they were reviewing their next course of action.


Zoning Ordinance Deflates Balloon Owner’s Dream

Time may heal all wounds, but it doesn’t necessarily pave the way for every new business owner’s lifetime dream–Grand Opening.
Fred Bloons learned this lesson the hard way when the Manchester Township zoning committee in New Jersey refused to grant his request to open a balloon novelty shop–Inflatable Dreams.
“I filed all the necessary paperwork,” Bloons said, “and was told that someone from the committee would contact me. I was given the runaround for several months and was eventually forced to attend committee meetings.”
Bloons said he was notified of the committee’s decision just last week, after he had ordered supplies and had hundreds of business cards made up.
“I look like a fool,” Bloons said. “I really don’t understand their decision.”
While committee members refused to go on record, one member said he tried repeatedly to warn Bloons about such a venture.
“Opening a balloon store isn’t going to happen anytime soon,” the member said. “It’s a matter of decorum–of being sensitive to the feelings of those still reeling from the tragedy.”
The 1937 crash of the Zepplin Hindenburg is still an open sore for those living in Manchester, the committee member said, and having a balloon shop so close to the crash site is “like spitting on the graves of the victims.”
Carl Rodgers, tour guide at the crash site, agrees.
“Balloons of any kind are tacky,” he said. “Though I’m not sure what the proper etiquette would be, I’d say wait at least 100 years–maybe then it wouldn’t be so disrespectful to everyone else.”
Bloons said he was aware of the anti-balloon sentiment, but was sure that a tax revenue business would be enough of an incentive to push his proposal over the hump.
“I think it’s time to move on,” he said. “It’s time to celebrate life and what better way to do that than with a balloon?”
An unscientific poll found that residents were equally divided over the balloon controversy.
“My kids only see balloons on TV and I want to keep it that way,” said Gladys Holiday, a life-long resident. “Have you seen those huge balloons at them parades? They’re totally creepy and who wants to explain to their kids why there’s mutant balloons floating all willy-nilly?”
While the community may have burst his balloon, Bloons said he wasn’t going to give up on his dream so easily.
“I got a lot of fight left in me and plenty of hot air in these lungs,” he said. “They haven’t heard the last from me.”