Unregulated Free Mock It System

Even Heaven is on a budget.  Wrought-iron pearly gates have been replaced by baby safety fences.  The walls of precious gems have been substituted with hip hop iced out jewelry. And swarms of locusts have been reduced to by-stander status as Heaven administration officials have secretly outsourced infestations to the much cheaper bed bugs.
According to Heaven’s Internal Revenue Entity, the Kingdom of God has seen a sharp decline in church tithing in recent years and the highly anticipated grand opening of Holywood has failed to generate much interest. Annual passes for the new attraction have already been slashed by 75-percent.
Heaven, however, remained in a state of calm until God summonsed His top financial advisers earlier this summer to discuss plans to unleash a swarm of locusts as a way of admonishing the world for tolerating the homosexual lifestyle.
Coincidentally, the locusts were engaged in heated contract negotiations with the Plague and Infestations Council. Both sides said talks were stalled over issues like mileage reimbursement, vacation time, higher pay and to make the death of locusts by chickens and ducks a hate crime.
Heaven officials were frustrated by the stalled talks and began to look for alternative plaguing sources.
“Of course locusts was our first choice,” said one heaven official. “But they weren’t being reasonable and after crunching the numbers it was decided that the best course of action was to look for a cheaper way to bring about a plague.”
Rats, flees and chipmunks were said to be early contenders but all were rejected by God for being “rather cliched.”
Bed bugs, officials said, were selected as the homosexual warning due to their ability to travel well, the difficulty to eradicate them and they can go long periods of time without feeding.
Another added bonus is their ability to hide well from the human eye, mocking in someways the closeted lifestyle of many homosexuals.
“After careful scrutiny, God decided that bed bugs were the proper messengers,” the messenger said. “And they don’t break the budget. The whole situation is made of win.”
Mahogany Flat, a bed bug representative, said the bugs were looking forward to working on such a special mission and they felt honored to have been chosen.
“We take this very seriously,” Flat said. “Our reputation is on the line and we don’t plan on letting the boss down.”
For their part, the locusts are said to be angry and felt betrayed by the outsourcing.
“We’re in the freaking Bible for crying out loud,” said one locust. “When you think plague you think locust. Bed bugs may work cheaper but we have a legacy–a plagacy, if you will.”
Attorney’s for the locusts refused to answer questions but issued a simple statement saying they were reviewing their next course of action.


Looking for a new way to rev up his slumping congregation, Reverend Tom Padre answered the incessant ring of a robocaller that promised to deliver every Satanist’s worst fear–the Holy Spirit, raging like an uncontrollable crown fire.
“It’s like it was a sign from God,” Padre said. “Our congregation has been struggling for years to find its identity and we really had faith in this agency. I’m disappointed that things haven’t worked out like they were promised to us.”
The robocall was from Faith Finders, a temporary church agency that sends “enthusiastic Christians” into flat-lining churches and promises to transfuse their “abundant Holy Spirit into the church.”
But, according to Padre, the agency failed to deliver on this promise. “We’re as much of a dead-beat church as when we first hooked up with Faith Finders,” he said. “The temporary Christian barely got a spark going. We had so much expectations and now we’re just left with a collection plate full of disappointment.”
Padre said for an apology he was willing to let bygones be bygones, but no such apology was forthcoming and he was left with no choice but to sue the agency for fraud.
“We expected someone like Isiah or Jeremiah,” Padre said. “We were definitely misled.”
An attorney for the agency said that they didn’t misrepresent themselves.
“Sometimes it takes a while for miracles to be seen,” the attorney said. “God works on his timetable, not ours.”
Padre declined to say how much the church paid the temp agency but said he would not recommend the agency to other churches.
“We may be forced to go back to basics,” Padre said. “This is definitely a humbling experience.”
The agency, known for its Holy Spirit Seal of Approval, says clients are given a 30-day satisfaction or your prayer request back guarantee.

High level presidential anonymous sources have leaked that President Obama, in an effort to improve ties between the United States and North Korea, will extend an olive branch to the supreme leader of the rogue state.
Political analysts have noted in recent weeks Kim Jong-Il, the ailing dictator, has been prepping his youngest son Kim Jong-un to take over the family business of repressing the country. Kim Jong-Il, who has been dabbling in the ruination of North Korea since the mid-1960s is said to be suffering from depression and the effects of a massive stroke he suffered two years ago. Sources close to the frail dictator say he no longer finds joy in being named the second worst dictator in the world.
But in a spirit of good Il, the Obama administration has tapped Jong-Il to head Obama’s Death Panel, that seldom talked about provision in the Obama Health Care bill passed earlier this year.
“It’s a natural fit,” said one senior source. “Kim Jong-Il has vast experience in causing the death of countless number of people so we don’t have to teach him the ropes.”
Another added benefit, sources say, is Kim Jong-Il’s ability to keep the people of North Korea in a perpetual state of ignorance through its stranglehold on the media.
“Kim knows how to keep his mouth shut,” the senior source said. “We’re confident that anybody who slips up or doesn’t tout the party line will face a death panel of their own.”
Due to his declining health and emotional state, administration officials weren’t sure Kim Jong-Il would be open to a new venture.
“We don’t exactly have a great relationship with North Korea,” the official said. “This is just a small step in bringing the exiled country to join the rest of the world.”
Korean officials said the dictator was “overjoyed” to receive an official notice from the POTUS.
“He squealed like a starving villager seeing a table of food for the first time,” he said. “It was really heartwarming.”
Korean officials say Jong-Il would also like to design the death panel and prison himself and officially re-name his position as the Director of Public Executions (D.O.P.E.).
“He recently oversaw the construction of the most famous restaurant in North Korea,” a source said. “He believes that he can construct a death prison that will be flawless in its architectural substance and style.”
Supporters of the president feel choosing Kim Jong-Il may backfire on him.
“There’s such a strong tide of Americans first that I fear some may resent the president for choosing a foreigner for a job that any American can do,” the supporter said. “Certainly, no one can quibble with Kim Jong-Il’s strong credentials but in this political environment I’m not sure being qualified will be enough.”

Time may heal all wounds, but it doesn’t necessarily pave the way for every new business owner’s lifetime dream–Grand Opening.
Fred Bloons learned this lesson the hard way when the Manchester Township zoning committee in New Jersey refused to grant his request to open a balloon novelty shop–Inflatable Dreams.
“I filed all the necessary paperwork,” Bloons said, “and was told that someone from the committee would contact me. I was given the runaround for several months and was eventually forced to attend committee meetings.”
Bloons said he was notified of the committee’s decision just last week, after he had ordered supplies and had hundreds of business cards made up.
“I look like a fool,” Bloons said. “I really don’t understand their decision.”
While committee members refused to go on record, one member said he tried repeatedly to warn Bloons about such a venture.
“Opening a balloon store isn’t going to happen anytime soon,” the member said. “It’s a matter of decorum–of being sensitive to the feelings of those still reeling from the tragedy.”
The 1937 crash of the Zepplin Hindenburg is still an open sore for those living in Manchester, the committee member said, and having a balloon shop so close to the crash site is “like spitting on the graves of the victims.”
Carl Rodgers, tour guide at the crash site, agrees.
“Balloons of any kind are tacky,” he said. “Though I’m not sure what the proper etiquette would be, I’d say wait at least 100 years–maybe then it wouldn’t be so disrespectful to everyone else.”
Bloons said he was aware of the anti-balloon sentiment, but was sure that a tax revenue business would be enough of an incentive to push his proposal over the hump.
“I think it’s time to move on,” he said. “It’s time to celebrate life and what better way to do that than with a balloon?”
An unscientific poll found that residents were equally divided over the balloon controversy.
“My kids only see balloons on TV and I want to keep it that way,” said Gladys Holiday, a life-long resident. “Have you seen those huge balloons at them parades? They’re totally creepy and who wants to explain to their kids why there’s mutant balloons floating all willy-nilly?”
While the community may have burst his balloon, Bloons said he wasn’t going to give up on his dream so easily.
“I got a lot of fight left in me and plenty of hot air in these lungs,” he said. “They haven’t heard the last from me.”

In an effort to save money, five cash-strapped states have temporarily shut down all their voting precincts, opting instead to allow voters to decide elections through Facebook.
Between now and election day in November, voters in California, Florida, Illinois, Michigan and New York simply have to roll out of bed and click the Like button for their favorite candidate. The concept, officials say, is quite simple–the candidate with the most likes wins the election. Not that different from the current system, they say.
“In this tough economic environment we have to be creative if we want to survive,” said Debra Bowen, California’s Secretary of State. “Whenever you’re on a budget you have to trim the fat–get rid of whatever is absolutely not necessary. With phenomenon like Facebook, things like polling places are becoming obsolete.”
While no exact dollar amount has been addressed, officials in all five deadbeat states assure voters that the cost-cutting measures are necessary and will eventually yield high benefits.
“It’s unusual,” admits Jesse White, Illinois’ Secretary of State. “But when you rarely get more than 15 percent of the electorate inside a polling place during a mid-term election, you can’t act all surprised when the state decides to stop hosting the Voting Party.”
Officials in other states are taking a wait-and-see approach before deciding to ax the whole electoral system.
Candidates in the five states said they were surprised by the decision to close polling places and it has left many of them scrambling to open Facebook accounts.
Rich Whitney, Green party candidate running for Governor of Illinois, said he started a Facebook page weeks before any final decision was made.
“We heard rumors of what was being planned,” Whitney said. “I don’t think many of us are use to campaigning like this but sometimes you have to think outside the box.”
And how will he judge the success of the plan?
“For me, success will be if my status says winner on November 2,” he said.
For some, the notion of election through Facebook seems like the ultimate in finance campaign reform. With candidates spending more time trying to woo their Faceful base, some fear that will leave less time, money and need for lobbyists and TV ads.
“This isn’t a good idea,” said one anonymous campaign adviser, who vowed to start a Facebook page against the Facebook election. “How are we suppose to feed our families? Shouldn’t somebody been looking out for us?”
Voters, for their part, seem nonplussed by the change.
“I probably won’t vote anyway,” said Deborah Wessex. “I don’t like politicians so I really can’t force myself to click the like button.”
Jake Miller says he’s out of work now because of the precinct closures.
“I’ve been a pollster for over thirty years,” said Miller, 64, “and now I gotta tell my grand kids about the good ol’ days when there use to be voting precincts. It makes me sad and I’m gonna miss the few extra bucks I would’ve made waiting for people not to show.”
And what would he say on the Facebook Election page?
“I’d tell them the idea sucks,” he said. “That I don’t like it. But I can’t ’cause they don’t have a button for that.”

Characterized in recent months as The Slurpee Sippers who idly watched as the economy slid down the proverbial ditch, Republican leaders have decided to fight back through education. Driver’s Education, that is.
Seven high ranking Republican leaders, including House Minority Whip, John Boehner, and Lamar Smith, from Texas, have started taking driver’s ed classes in Washington, in an attempt to steer undecided voters in their direction, while simultaneously convincing the rest of the country that the roads are safe with them on it.
“It’s not a publicity stunt,” Boehner insists. “It’s a concrete way of showing the voters just how seriously we take their safety. If you’re accused of not having a good record, then common sense would suggest doing something about it.”
In recent months, the republican party’s metaphorical driving record has come under intense scrutiny from President Obama, who has branded the republicans as the party that drove the nation’s economy into the now famous nameless ditch.
“Now they [the republicans] want the keys back,” Obama warned at various rallies and fundraisers.
Smith says the decision to re-take driver’s ed was not a reaction to the president’s criticism.
“Until recently I hadn’t heard about the analogy,” says Smith, who also denied ever consuming a Slurpee. “This is the republican party saying to the voters that we’re willing to do better and if that means re-learning some things, well then, so be it.”
Boehner, Smith and other party members have been seen throughout the D.C. area with a licensed driving instructor and have tackled such issues such as road safety, dealing with technology while driving, parallel parking, braking and turning, controlled backing and evasive maneuvering.
Both Boehner and Smith said they hope more republicans will, as a sign of solidarity, follow suit.
“There’s plenty of room in our car,” said Boehner. “Providing you’re able to provide the right kind of documentation.”
And how is this resonating with voters?
Jim Beecher, a hot dog vendor in downtown Washington, said he was mildly impressed with the overture but was confused with the republicans ineptness while in power.
“Obama’s telling them to keep away ’cause he’s got the key,” Beecher said. “But you’re gonna tell me in all that time they [the republicans] were in power that they didn’t have duplicate keys made? I mean, seriously, tell me, who goes around with only one set of keys? Somebody who’s not terribly worried about their car, that’s who.”
Lavonda Harris, a part-time sales associate, said the republicans were on the right road but more needs to be done.
“I look at it this way,” Harris said, “They’re trying and I gotta give them credit for that. But at the end of the day, after working non-stop, they’re not gonna be my ride home.”